I just typed it right in the title space, like it was something of importance.
Well, for me, it is. I’m sitting here right now, feeling the burning in my chest, the heat on my neck, my ears feel like fire, the flutter in my stomach, hot/cold flashes… why is it happening again?!? With my anxiety… I am never for sure. I take medication to help stabilize my anxiety. But that sneaky little butt still has it’s friend come over at times.
I have learned tricks on how to calm myself against Anxiety’s nasty friend, generally when it first starts to rear it’s ugly head. Although, it does not always keep me from being attacked by said friend of Anxiety; also known as Panic Attack. Panic climbs the spinal stairs of my back, hand-in-hand, with Anxiety. Running their icey fingers up my spine, making me dread what comes next. Then they start banging on the door to my brain. Anxiety starts screaming crazy, absurd things and Panic starts freaking out from the words that Anxiety is screaming. They wedge their way into my brain. My poor brain tries desperately to muffle the screaming statements, but all too often, the screams of Anxiety seep through, allowing Panic to grasp my heart and pull it into the mix. Then my heart starts it’s rapid attempt to escape from it all. As my heart starts calling back to my brain to find safety, my nervous system starts to go into overdrive. The sweating starts and the other side affects of the increase adrenaline in my system, which then my brain begins to worry about my blood pressure and the thoughts of stroke and passing out begin… eventually all the thoughts lead to my impending death, as they always do. All the while, my brain continues to try to ward off the screams of Anxiety and the physical effects of Panic. It is a viscous battle that I never know if I will win or if Panic will.
What I just described can take 15 minutes or hours to happen and endure. I will breathe slow, calm, deep breaths, pace the floor, shaking my hands as though they are tingling and repeat positive thoughts to myself. Sometimes, I will force myself to lay still and try to think of nothing (which for a person with anxiety is a MASSIVE goal to attain). I have woke my poor spouse up and begged to be sat with. I have actually given up before (so to speak) and just decided that I would force myself to sleep and if it was time to not wake up, then it was my time to not wake up. (I thanked God for the blessings of allowing me another day when I opened my eyes again). I have driven myself to the ER, completely convinced I was in the grasp of an impending heart attack or stroke. I have played countless hours of Bubble Witch or Candy Crush – they seem to be two games I can lose myself in for minutes (yes, I said minutes… my brain has a terrible time warding off Panic for more than minutes at a time). I have texted close friends at terrible hours. I have prayed and prayed… and prayed… and prayed… you get the idea. Speaking to God often times has calmed me enough that I have fallen asleep praying. Praying puts my focus on what I am saying to Him rather then what my brain was hearing from Anxiety.
Anxiety is always present. I just never know when Anxiety will bring over Panic. That in it’s self is enough to INVITE Panic over!!! I can go months with no Panic invasions and then some small thing, or some major thing, occurs and !BAM! Panic is magically there. Tonight Panic came over… because I am having some health issues that I have researched too much, hoping to be informed and make sure I know what is going on to the best of my knowledge. But Anxiety LOVES to look at all the worse case scenarios and what-ifs. When Anxiety starts doing this, it just can’t seem to do it alone and along comes Panic. They skip up those steps to my brain and start their regime.
I thank you for allowing me the precious moments of peace my brain has been given as I type this blog post. (My brain is getting that peace, but my neck is hot and my leg won’t stop bouncing…)
I am going to go now. Lay down in bed (it’s night and all my children are in bed already). Play some game on my IPhone, pray, breath deep, slow, meditative breaths and try to sleep.
Here is love, light, simplicity and peace to all you other Anxiety and Panic Attack suffers out there. Know that you are NOT alone. No matter how vast the universe seems right now or visa versa. Cleansing, deep, slow breaths.