Still searching through my recently found notebook and came across another entry that shows insight into the younger days of me. Journaled on 11/12/13, but occurred so many years before that. (I did not change anything from its original form)
“An insight to how terribly pathetic I am: when I was sixteen and began driving, I thought it was totally amazing that other drivers on the road had to see me.
Like, somebody was at a stop sign and I had the right-of-way, they had to wait for ME to get passed them in order for them to continue on their way! Or if I was driving and a car was behind me, thy couldn’t go any faster then me. I was setting the pace. I was in their way. They had to see me. They had to work around me, with me. I was somewhat of the important person at that moment.
I guess most of my life, I’ve always felt I’m seen as unimportant. Like, I don’t have an imporatance in other people’s lives. Yet, when I started driving, that made me feel so uninvisible. I was seen – even if it was only by rule and safety reasons. I was seen and what I was doing/not doing was affecting someone else. It was mind boggling.
Longing to be seen, even in such a way, is so desperate. Even just having to share the road with other people, and knowing that my life was entwining with others for whatever reason, in whatever way; that’s really sad. That is really pathetic. That’s what you call a dad, pathetic, invisible, non-self esteem-baring shell of an individual.”
Since writing this, I have come to realize that it is not so much a pathetic, sad situation. Rather, a self-esteem issue. A need to feel important in even the smallest of ways and attached to the life all around me.