Search

Simply Spendid Life

Living Life While I Am Here To Live It

Crossing

Written at a time when I was fighting myself as to what I knew in my heart I should do and what I knew was comfortable; not risky.  I knew I had to make a choice because I could feel myself dying inside.  But it is always hard to give up the way you had been living for nearly 20 years and step onto a new path.  Courage does not always come easy when you have so many responsibilities in your life.  With these thoughts rolling around in my head, as I was driving the same road I was always going, heading one way or the other one, this poem was born: (as is typical of my writings, this in rough form)

“The thought hit me on the endless blacktop… it was all a dream.                      A silly childish dream.                                 My heart broke; tears streamed for that little dream.                                                   What was my life now?                         Without my dream to reach for?

Driving to and from, a tiresome repetitive  existance.                                                             I knew I had one of two choices.                   I was nearing the bridge.                         How many times have I thought about yanking the wheel, crashing through the barrier, plummeting down – choice one.

Oh, but that would be the absolute end of my dream…                                                          I did not want to give up on the dream; on myself!

Or choice two – stop the monotony!  Make a change!                                     Resurrect that fire! Fulfill it!                  Cross the line into the unknown.         Take the chance and breathe life back into my soul!

It all comes down to this bridge.                  I see it… closer and closer.                             I have to make this decision now; today.  It cannot wait any longer.                               I cannot wait any longer!                                                     Cross to new beginnings?                                   Plummet to the end?

3, 2, 1… onto the bridge now.                         I see the other side of the bridge,                 I see the tiny treetops below…                       I only have to cross.”

Photo from: (http://www.omniproservices.com/bridge-and-heavy-highway-projects.html)

I Was Seen

Still searching through my recently found notebook and came across another entry that shows insight into the younger days of me. Journaled on 11/12/13, but occurred so many years before that. (I did not change anything from its original form)

“An insight to how terribly pathetic I am: when I was sixteen and began driving, I thought it was totally amazing that other drivers on the road had to see me.

 Like, somebody was at a stop sign and I had the right-of-way, they had to wait for ME to get passed them in order for them to continue on their way! Or if I was driving and a car was behind me, thy couldn’t go any faster then me. I was setting the pace. I was in their way. They had to see me. They had to work around me, with me. I was somewhat of the important person at that moment. 

I guess most of my life, I’ve always felt I’m seen as unimportant. Like, I don’t have an imporatance in other people’s lives. Yet, when I started driving, that made me feel so uninvisible. I was seen – even if it was only by rule and safety reasons. I was seen and what I was doing/not doing was affecting someone else. It was mind boggling. 

Longing to be seen, even in such a way, is so desperate. Even just having to share the road with other people, and knowing that my life was entwining with others for whatever reason, in whatever way; that’s really sad. That is really pathetic. That’s what you call a dad, pathetic, invisible, non-self esteem-baring shell of an individual.”

Since writing this, I have come to realize that it is not so much a pathetic, sad situation. Rather, a self-esteem issue. A need to feel important in even the smallest of ways and attached to the life all around me.

~Donut


Photo from: http://wallpaperswide.com/car_on_road-wallpapers.html

Lost and Broken

I’m finding a lot of things I wrote during the year of 2015. Most of them sound so tortured with confusion and brokenness. I wrote this poem on 3/6/15:

“Lost and Broken

My love, I feel an ocean has swollen between us.

You are only inches away from me, yet it feels like we are worlds apart.

Are you distancing yourself? Or is it my doing that is our undoing?

Are you through with me? Or is it my own scars that have pushed at you?

I feel so overcome with heartache; heartbreak.

I feel so torn with sadness and anger.

I want to hold you and scream at the same time!

I do not understand why this is happening… loss of love? stress? daily life?

Or is it age? time? resentment… WHAT?!

Am I no longer your everything? Was I ever? I am plagued with questions!

Is this fixable? Are we strong enough to reverse, pursue and persevere?

Oh love, my love… am I losing you? Have I lost you? Or have I lost myself…?”

~Donut


Photo from google search and this link: https://quotesgram.com/img/lost-myself-quotes/4158240/

Frayed Edges

I jotted this down in my notebook on 1/8/15 and came across it again today. Reading it makes my heart hurt for the self I was at the time and what I was working through. Although it is in rough writing form, I decided to share it anyway, in its original emotional state. Thank you for letting me share it.

“Do you ever feel like you just don’t really fit anywhere? That’s me, since I was about 5-6 years old. It’s always been like I’m a piece of a puzzle, but the space I’m supposed to fit in, I’m just not cut exactly right for. I don’t think that I would think of myself as being a piece from another puzzle; but I’ve never felt like my shape fits the grooves, of the puzzle I’m from, in the right way. And as the years go by, I feel more like the piece that the dog chewed up; with teeth marks and spit; with bent corners and some of my picture scratched off… and it’s like the more I try, the less I fit.”


(Photo from a google search; http://www.reasonablywell.net/2011_05_01_archive.html?m=1)

~Donut

For the love of snow

I live in an old house. My laundry room is basically a lean-to off the kitchen and  three steps down. The windows in this house are huge and there is one directly behind my washer and dryer. On the outside of this window is the heater pump/ac unit.

When I am sorting and loading the washer and dryer, it is impossible for me not to look out the window. From the angle I am standing at, it feels like I’m standing outside and looking right up into the sky.

It is snowing here today. Those big,  beautiful, fluffy looking snowflakes. As I was loading the washer today, and looking out the window as I was prepping it, the heat pump kicked on and all the snowflakes that were above the heat pump fan went flying wildly high and spinning. It was just mesmerizing and made me giggle. 

Then I got caught up in thinking how much my Husky would love this snow if he was still with us. I was imagining him when he was a puppy jumping around, trying to eat those big,fluffy snowflakes as they fell on him.

I was completely caught up in the dancing snowflakes and nostalgic thoughts of my four-legged fur baby, that I put laundry detergent in the softener spot. Well, there’s  no way to drain it out. Not one that wouldn’t cause me to have to unload the washer and run a cycle, so I added detergent in the spot and added softener to the detergent-filled softener spot. I put the washer on for an extra rinse cycle, so hopefully I won’t walk into a crazy mess of suds everywhere or rinsed clothes, ready for the dryer, but with bubbles popping on them! I just had to laugh at myself.

We shall see… I can hear the washer spinning now.

~Donut

Here’s a snapshot of the window. I tried to angle the neighbors house out of it. Lol 


P.S. When I was a kid, I filled the kitchen with bubbles from the dishwasher. True story, but maybe for another day.

Sometimes the more we say the less others hear…

With the title in mind, I just want to make the following statement:

Being humble is a strength.

~Donut

More than skin deep

Standing at the register chatting with the salesman, a mirror over his shoulder changing my casual glance to a shocking realization.

Who is that person?!

There’s familiarity in the reflection, but yet… so different…

The deepening crease lines on the forehead and between the eyes,

The slight droop at the corners of the smile,

The silvery slivers of hair peeking through darker strands,

The slump in the shoulders speaking volumes of the daily weight of the past and the present,

The laugh lines around the eyes and a dulling to the once brightness of their color…

But the depth in the eyes tell so much more than their immediate features; a mysteriously sad, yet blessed, story lies in them.

As I am raising my hand and touching the edge of one of my eyes, I see the somewhat familiar reflection doing the same.

The hand’s appearance telling as much as the eyes; the intimacy between them so entwined.

Those hands wiping tears shed by the eyes, yet pushing forward giving focus and strength.

The shocking glance over the shoulder of a stranger; bringing the reality of time.

But despite the physical reality of time, I know that the reflection is still internally strong.

As I am smiling at this familiar stranger and she is smiling back, I know her heart is full, her mind is solid and her life is still progressing toward her dreams.

I know that no matter what time is bringing or doing to her outer self, she is continuing to find a way to fly!

~Donut

(Rough draft 8/8/16; improved 1/2/16)

Happy New Year! Hello 2017…

Aaaah… it’s the day to make New Year’s resolutions. Generally, I am in the boat with those who roll their eyes at setting such resolutions, just because it’s a new year. But this year, I have decided it is for my best benefit to force myself to set, stick with and fulfill them. 

BUT FIRST, let me make a slight correction to the mindset of what I am doing. I am not making resolutions, but  rather goals. Look at the definition of a resolution: “the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter” and “a firm decision to do or not to do something.” Now look at the definition of a goal: “the object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired result.” (Definitions courtesy of Google.)

Reading these definitions made me wonder if this could be why resolutions do not stick around for long. When making a resolution, a “firm decision” is made or a “matter” is to be solved. Okay. Cool. 

But when making a goal, well that’s another ballgame! Not only has a firm decision to solve a matter been made, but it is being backed with “ambition or effort!” SWEET!

Changing the mindset of what I am aiming to do for myself, can change how I push myself to continue forward with it on a long-term basis. It’s the same concept as filling your head with positive thoughts. You can tell yourself you have a New Years Resolution or you can tell yourself you have a 2017 Goal. One even sounds short-term compared to the other. So now that I have tricked my brain to thinking long-term, positive goals, I can take the next preparative step: what the goals are.

You may ask, why bother? Well, because there are a few serious changes that I need to make for myself. Changes that, for my own betterment, need to become habits. That being said, how do you make something  a habit?  Practice. How do you make sure you are practicing something often enough to make it a habit? Dedication. Dedication takes effort, time and attention. (There is that “ambition or effort” from the goal definition, again.)

With these things in mind, I am setting myself some serious 2017 goals. I have written them down already and am announcing them in this blog to help solidify them to myself. (I am not going to explain why any goal is on my list. I know why it’s there. šŸ˜Š)

My 2017 Goals

  • Be in my best shape (mentally and physically) by 40 years of age.
  • Write something EVERYDAY.
  • Draw (or such) at least 1x weekly.
  • Figure out the world of cooking on a budget.
  • Simplify, minimilaze (clear out the excess.)
  • Save $ (using such things as the 52 week challenge, the 1 year challenge.)

These are my current major goals. I have other mini-wishlist items that I want to accomplish, too. But these are the things that I have to make habits! They may not seem that major to you, but that is why it is my goal list. Lol Your goals will be what is needed for you.

What will your 2017 Goals be? If you want to share your list, feel free to put it in the comments!

Happy New Year!!! Love, light and blessings.

~Donut

Christmas SpiritĀ 

I remember my Christmas Spirit in my younger years as being never-ending. All the magic of the season: snow, decorations, Christmas music, family dinners, giving and receiving presents, Santa Claus, school parties, time off school… so many memories. 

Now as an adult, I desperately cling to the Christmas Spirit. I put a smile on my face and do what I can to give the Christmas magic to my children. But it can be so hard when life throws so much at you at once. Coordinating family gatherings, buying meaningful presents, making sure there is always time to watch Christmas movies and do special Christmas time activities.

It is only December 5th and already my Christmas Spirit is suffering some blows. One of my children is having an out-patient surgery on the 22nd. I have had to schedule two pre-op appointments in the next couple weeks for this surgery. I have no idea what day to coordinate my side of the family gathering and I do not have the money to provide the same type of gathering as I did last year for them. I’m not sure when my spouse’s side of the family is getting together, either.

Then cram in the regular daily life stuff still going on; winter guard practices, basketball practices and games, marching band booster meetings, work schedules, household tasks, laundry… you get the idea. Tack on some terribly nasty bacterial sinus infection, some flu here, strep throat there… what a way to start the holiday season. 

Despite trying so very hard to keep up with it all, I keep myself losing that happy holiday feeling. Add in my expectations of what I want to accomplish in my life: organizing the house, simplifying, just having 39 minutes or so to pen a blog! UGH!

My frustration level is so high right now. So, I have to stop this annoying, self-pitying whining and hold fast to the Christmas Spirit!!!

I am going to remember that it could always be worse and that I am truly blessed. Because, when it’s all said and done, I am. 

On that positive note, “God bless us everyone.” (You got it, Tiny Tim.)

Keep your Christmas Spirit alive today and everyday! Merry Christmas!

~Donut

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: